Broken Shards of What People See

    

    I don't really know where to begin in describing myself. People call me a lot of things: smart, kind, honest, like a dictionary because of my knowledge in vocabulary, strict because of how I can be if the grades of others are at stake, like in group works. Whenever they say so, I couldn't tell whether I should agree or not, or say thank you to the positive ones. I'm not a smart kid, just showed potential at a young age and that potential has worn off over the years. I'm not kind; I don't even see as to how they could possibly view me that way, though I am honest, in a negative way, considering my relentlessly blunt opinions and remarks. I wasn't a fan of sugar-coating words. I was not in any case even a level close to a dictionary; I'm still learning like everyone else, I was just exposed to books at a young age, which led me to love stories and know lots of words. The only thing I could ever agree with in what they say, besides their note of my honesty, is when they say I'm serious. I was indeed, a serious person, especially when others can be hurt, most especially when it's people I care about. I'm sick of not being taken seriously, which led to my serious attitude.

    In reality, I don't know myself well enough to actually describe myself. Maybe I can describe myself a lot in simpler terms, the way I did at the beginning of this post, but knowing we each have deeper, complicated sides, I was thinking of how I was supposed to explain them. Symbolisms? Quotes? My mind was in a daze; I couldn't think properly. But I could only think of a few things after a few minutes. And so I got the answers: I overthink a lot due to pressure and having to maintain how people view me because I showed such potential in academics and understanding of things in an emotional sense at a young age. Since then, I was burdened with responsibilities and expectations. My past was awful, and the present is worse. A lot of things went downhill. My grades. My control of my emotions. Several friendships. My motivation was long gone, and only comes in short bursts. My love for food has dimmed; I couldn't eat without feeling bothered by the existence of school works and deadlines. I was ruthless to myself and to others. I've become the people I despise to the core. I'm haunted by my regrets. I couldn't help but be drawn to chaos and be the reason of chaos, which led to my endless list of regrets. I was a cure and a poison; I can help but I can also hurt. A double-edged sword. I was magic; I can be the cause of good or bad things.

    All in all, I'm a pessimistic kind of person in general with all the things that happened in my life. I am someone who is struggling to rein in emotions when they're too much to handle, too much to be let loose. I'm cursed and blessed by my own potential and gifts. I'm tormented and constantly haunted by my past. Often, I couldn't make sense of which is reality and which is pure imagination. I was reckless and even though I'm aware the people I spend time with hurt me emotionally, I still stick around. So how do I finish this? After everything I've gone through, growing up with such pressure from my surroundings and myself, with such curses existing in my life and within myself, with my awful memories constantly reminding me of its existence, I think I can describe myself in one word. I've gone insane. I suppose I've always been, given how I was even as a child. I suppose I've just gotten worse. I suppose I'd know more when I'm older, far older than I am now.

Date of Publication with the Picture: October 20, 2022

Place of Publication: www.blogger.com

Retrieved Date: October 20, 2022

Retrieved From: Google; iHeartCraftyThings.com

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